[EM] The Onion weighs in on democracy

[Alex Small]

The Onion's premium content includes an election glossary.  Many of the
definitions may be especially interesting to election methods
afficionados, since it touches on things like gerrymandering, third
parties, and the electoral college.  As is always the case with the Onion,
these things are best taken as insightful and cynical humor, rather than
fodder for argument.

Enjoy!



absentee ballot—a conscience-cleansing form that has no effect whatsoever;
the voting equivalent of recycling plastic

apathy—the reason most American politicians are able to achieve and
maintain office

ballot—an object recording a voter's decision; frequently counted toward
an election's outcome

battleground state—a state where the amount of money spent on
presidential-campaign advertisements is greater than that state's entire
yearly budget

campaign—a sophisticated, market-researched advertising initiative in
which a particular candidate is sold to the American public like a brand
of air freshener, or a fruit-flavored snack-food

concession statement—an act of willpower in which the loser lies about the
election being well-fought and disingenuously congratulates the victor

convention—a big party meeting held at a depressing Radisson somewhere
near the interstate

corruption—the most effective and efficient way to produce results in
government

dark horse—Al Sharpton, but not because he's black

debate—a contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions

delegate—a representative, to a national or state political convention,
who dramatically walks out, weeps during the highpoints of marginally
impassioned speeches, and whose fashion choices can provide ample comedy
for decades to come

democracy—a political system characterized by protected individual rights
and liberties for certain lucky countries in the Middle East

election worker—a male or female at least 70 years of age

electoral college—1. a system by which a guy who didn't actually win
sometimes gets to be the president anyway 2. an institution that calls
itself a college but really isn't, like the Southern Nevada Business
School

electronic voting machine—a fully automatic machine that is able to tally
thousands of votes efficiently and accurately, without any unforeseen
technical problems. See also cold fusion, missile defense shield

front-runner—the candidate with the most news coverage

gerrymander—some political-type word learned in grade school

grassroots—localized, person-to-person political support that goes
absolutely nowhere in terms of actually getting anybody elected (see
misplaced idealism)

Green party—a ragtag group of can-do ruffians trying to compete in a world
that just doesn't seem to care

inauguration—the only time the president gets to appear drunk in public

incumbent—the winner in an upcoming election, unless he fingers someone or
runs over a pedestrian

Independent—a third-party candidate; offers a second point of view

lame duck—an officeholder during the free-wheeling last days of his term,
when he can pardon, screw, and kill anyone he wants

landslide—what happens when one campaign is vastly better funded than the
others

mudslinging—see campaigning

neo-conservatives—wispy evil geniuses with big eyebrows bent on taking
over the world 2. leggy, blond media personalities who aide wispy evil
geniuses with big eyebrows

participatory democracy—1. a system of governance by the people, for the
people 2. archaic: our own system of governance

platform—1. a list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss
2. a raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which
candidates are placed

politics, conservative—a school of thought that values limited government
authority over the welfare of actual flesh-and-blood people

politics, liberal—a school of thought that values the welfare of
idealized, hypothetical people over actual flesh-and-blood people

pollster—a telemarketer with an Ivy League degree

pommel horse—gymnastics event that other candidates are too scared to
compete against John Kerry in

primary—a special election preview attended only by democracy nerds

progressive—(archaic) someone dedicated to positive change in government

Ralph Nader—a tireless advocate for, and dedicated champion of, Ralph Nader

referendum—a legal process by which voters are allowed to make important
political decisions; not a great idea, in general

special interest groups—groups of like-minded individuals who explain to
members of Congress what's important each term

spin—the art of turning a groping allegation into a testament of character

straight party ticket—what one votes if one’s politics boil down to either
pro-welfare-state or pro-gun

suffrage—C-Span programming

support for terrorism—a key plank in the Democratic party platform, along
with killing babies

underdog—a candidate unlikely to win; often leads a double-life as a
mild-mannered shoeshine boy

voter turnout—the percentage of the population that votes in an election;
dependant on if it rained and whether According To Jim was a rerun or not